Confusion

Okay. So I'm an academic, yes? I have the piece of paper, the sweat, blood and tears I put in for several years to make to the point of *getting* the piece of paper, and now, the letters after my name to show the world I did it (assuming the world cares). But I'm not really working as an academic. I'm out there on the fringe known as adjunct or sessional teaching, and I'm plugging away at research that is unsupported by a faculty, department or colleagues (or hell, a library). So claiming to be an 'academic' feels a bit specious. Of course, I only moonlight as an academic, in truth. What I am really doing is attempting to find my way through industry. A sphere in which I have little experience, for all that I have done my time in a variety of non-academic workspaces in the twenty years I've been a paid labourer. My problem seems to be that I am insufficiently motivated by profit. Money, sure -- who doesn't want to have enough cash to be comfortable, to be able to pay for the roof over her head, the food in her tummy, the clothes on her back... and the occasional vacation. All good, so far. But the next level up is making money just for money's sake. I work presently in an unprofitable business venture with aspirations to great profit...at some point. My colleagues are here for the imagined payout of lots of profit down the way. I am here because I believe(d) in the idea behind this company. I believe in creating great communities for people and all the fine things that I wrote for our business website. But we're not doing a lot of that. We're not even doing a lot of *talking* about that anymore. And I feel like I might be the only person who is bothered by that.

In the meantime I get a stomachache coming to work every day because at some basic level I don't fit in. The usual rationale I hear for working in industry is that the pay is better than being an academic. Maybe you lose your autonomy, maybe you sell your soul a little, but at least you don't have to worry about paying your bills. Well, I do. What kind of lunacy requires selling out without even getting the supposed payout for it? Gah.